Purple Stuff.

I wanted to write something after a while, because I haven’t had anything meaningful enough to write. This is June 22, 2018.

I might not be able to write anymore today so, but I’d like to have this on record. I just puked purple stuff.

Let me continue tomorrow. Oh, a song that sounds pretty calming came on. I think I should continue. I should be able to.

An old friend was hospitalised because she OD-ed. I haven’t figured out why yet, but maybe, just maybe, we all knew.

Head’s hurting. I’ll stop.

Tomorrow, I think, tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll always think. Tomorrow.

I don’t look forward to tomorrow.

Head’s still hurting.

Tomorrow I’ll write. More purple, maybe.


I went from wanting to head home to prepare for work tomorrow, to wanting to find the fastest way to evaporate.

Right now, right now.

Even when I know I’ve committed myself to a job, to my family, to students, friends, Hector who has been trying to be encouraging, regulars at the bar, and support beyond my capabilities.

Given that I have been feeling alright, I have no idea what this is about right now. Lack of resilience, an easy slip of excuse to get past everything?

A cycle of typing and erasing everything written.

I am happy, but I’ve also tried too hard to be in a good state

And there’s this uncertainty as to how long this facade can last?


Lessons learnt from what I have been wrong about, despite knowing:

  1. Beauty is not permanent, my dear. In your mind, definitely, but do not attempt to preserve it.
  2. And your mind is but a passing thought. It might regulate your thoughts from day to day, but it is just a thought. Your thoughts do not define you; they merely accentuate an idea. Haven’t you been sad for a moment, and happier another?
  3. Have you been looking around yourself for that which makes you happy? Or at least, that which you have hoped for? If there is a slight sign of semblance, you have done it, somehow. You don’t need to know why or how. Take it, take it. This is how the universe gives back. Do not apologise or be euphoric, as this is but one of the few ways of life.
  4. You are temporary, and so are others. Do not pressurize yourself, or give them too much meaning and responsibility for having been present. Everyone has a reason to life, and so do you. Let it go, and stop arguing with yourself.
  5. You will not be wise in every area. Stop self-shaming, and get back on track in areas where you perform. Admit and accept that you have been wrong, so that you learn and grow better.
  6. Stop holding back. Shine, because everyone wants the best of each other, deep down. In retrospect, let others shine because you want the best for them. It doesn’t have to hurt if they do it alone.
  7. Nurture your interests and talents. You have wasted so many years feeling terrible about yourself. Now is the time to do something about it. You don’t have to do it everyday. You don’t have to do it out of obligation. Do it when you want to. Do it when you feel driven to. Do it when you feel happy to. Do it anyway.
  8. You are the cup filling up the waters of life. You’ll fill it up and empty it up and the process goes on. Take it in, spit it out… just not the other way round. You should consume all you get, experience all that is offered to you. Good and/ or bad, you’ll be fine, because there are always friends/ persons who believe in you as a person more than you’ve been credited for. Do not look further than the people around you. They matter more than nostalgia or experience.
  9. Take a break whenever. You don’t have to excel or fight everyday.
  10. Do not be afraid. The world radiates warmth and love.

WhatsApp Image 2018-02-20 at 18.26.11


Tonight, the world was the scenery of my mind;

It was quiet, really quiet
then people started entering the bar.
It got noisier, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault or responsiblity

They come and go, as they always do like

Here and there, but never near at
least not near enough to make differences

I’m reminded of them all the time, though.

A jog down the memory, a look past your broken wrists,
A conversation beyond your walls

and I’d figure that I knew what you might begin to mean to me.

It hasn’t changed;
there’s just more guilt when martyrdom
overestimates itself
when kindness is lonely,
when diversity is the queen of your philosophy, and not
the advice of close friends.

The crowd keeps changing,
Yet not the basis of that which has kept me going

Perhaps it keeps keeping me going
Because it knows exactly what I wouldn’t give an inch of my life for.

I hope it is right this time.

I’m not sitting, not sitting on the ledge (sometimes I wish I am, just to make people realise that not everyone is privileged),

Yet still living, living life on the edge.

Underneath, underneath all these faces,

The makeup, the frontier, the pretense.

What else is there?

I’m happy. I smile from ear to ear. We compliment each other.

Yet the story about the girl who almost died twice,

And almost jumped twice. Has

Never left me.

There is this person inside of me

We’ve known each other for a decade now

She represents everything bad

But also vulnerable, honest, and delicate about me. She reminds me of things like a gentle whisperer

Of things I’ve forgotten amidst this busy, hustling life.

She tells me,

“Never forget.”

Before I could figure these words out, she says

“Never forget.”

But forget what? Forget how? Forget why?

She’s slowly, ever so shockingly, bringing me there.

One step closer, yet so far away. But one day closer to peace, perhaps.

If I’m lucky, I’ll get over the mechanisms of this brain.

If I’m not as lucky, I’ll let it go.

If I’m not meant for reflection, then I’ll go.

This sounds damn stupid, but perhaps why all this pain won’t subside no matter what, is to prove to people that headaches don’t always mean stress. Or hormonal imbalance. It could just mean disagreeing with yourself so much that it no longer makes sense. My head hurts.

Prove it, prove you’re so so so sad beyond comprehension.

Kill yourself. End