Stories.

Really can’t bring myself to function, so i shall write;

Writing is a human condition.

When i was fifteen, a good friend said
that i was the sun
another told me she liked the radiance in my cheeks

Not quite long after the same friend told me
that i was mud,
sloppy and incapable of lifting myself up
and another told me i was blushing
too much.

When i was seventeen, a classmate complimented
on my kindness
another told me she liked my cheerfulness

Not quite long after the same classmate told me
that i seemed pretentious,
no one would like someone without opinions
another told me i was trying too hard.

When i was eighteen, a girl told me
that i understood her best because we’ve both lost our loved ones
then she taught me how to smoke
to kill ourselves quicker.

When i was nineteen, a girl told me
that she liked my story,
it gave her a sense of purpose,
and so i gave her everything – innocence, time, and respect
until i ran out of them
and she ran out of abuse to give.

When i was twenty, a girl told me
that she was too shy to speak over the phone
or stand up to her friends
so i gave her courage and self-respect,
until other girls took them away from us.

When i was twenty-three, a girl told me
that she was working too hard
and she wanted to be loved
so i gave her leisure and freedom,
until she confiscated mine.

When i was twenty-four, a girl told me
that she appreciated my feelings
and she validated them at her best
but towards the end, she told me i was not a good fit
for her,
that i should seek therapy.

I’ve been both mud and sun to the same person
i’ve been both radiance and mere blush to another
a kind pretence, a hard-working cheer
a suicidal smoker

an empty flirt
a self-righteous landlady
a submissive partner,
and just a meaningless sad story.

And i no longer know if all these which they’ve said make me up
or if i have made them up.

 

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6 thoughts on “Stories.

  1. Thoughts and feelings by a person to you may change over time and circumstances. Someone who may like you at one point may find you irritating at another time.

    That’s the way how life is…can’t control what people think or treat you. So just be yourself.

    1. You’re absolutely right. Then either we change or we do not, since every single time when we love someone, we’d wish for their approval.. Maybe we shouldn’t but I don’t want to live like an outcast..

      1. We don’t need approval to love someone…just be true to your feelings towards that someone. I think it’s harder to have reciprocated love rather than approval to love someone.

        I do feel you cause I’m also struggling with it right now.

      2. I think the first step is to recognize our own self worth instead of seeking validation from each and every lover. Easier said than done but they say that’s healthier :p

      3. Worth trying! Personally it’s the sadness of not being capable of finding this someone who is entirely accepting and approving of my entire being. Is unconditional love only present between parents and children (or some sort of kinship?) Hahha

      4. Well friends too can be entirely accepting and approving else they wouldn’t be your friends in the first place would they? I’d like to say love is not everything but man, i am too looking for a partner haha! Humans, the greatest walking contradiction.

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