A Chronology of Decisions.

I. Lost my hair tie today;

Many would say it is a normal thing to happen to a girl who keeps long hair.

It is, indeed, which is why I keep several hair ties on my arm.

But losing one unsettles me, since I’ve never liked losing things. It is one thing to have someone steal from you, another to lose under your own watch.
II. Someone offered to buy me drinks;

Many would begin talking about weather, or about commonalities

How the beer I’ve been having happens to be exactly what they’re having.

I thought quietly about how we enjoy our drinks differently, before politely declining them.

Even if we do share some commonalities.
III. Someone proved me really wrong today;

Parents are parents for a reason. You gave birth to this child you care for ever so deeply. She is your entire being.

And of course, having her away from you leaves you anxious.

You’d like to know every conversation and moment she spends in school. You read her messages, you ask her teachers.

I wish there was a way of telling you that I do not treat your child like others. I treat her like an individual who makes both miracles and mistakes.

But you don’t know it. And you belittle what we try doing everyday at school;

Still, no hard feelings. I understand.
IV. Disheartened;

To watch another colleague grieve silently in his cubicle because he’d just lost a family member he saw last weekend for the Chinese New Year.

To hear about news and not be able to discuss it because history students need a two-sided discussion.

Because a promise offered wasn’t fulfilled. No compromise in the process either.
V. Acceptance;

Because as vigilant and disciplined as you are to keep emotions and things safe and under control, they slip away.

Because as much as you try be engaging or interesting, others might not be as eager.

Because as much as you try, you don’t bounce back off minor yet impactful, unfortunate incidents without regard for your effort.

Because you’ll always cry alone about the things that hurt most, the unspeakable truth because you couldn’t garner both perspectives. Because no one guarantees them in the first place, and you’ll have to live with not having answers, when you signed up for none.

Because warranties are corporate things, and love isn’t one of them.

Because I’ll plan to cut this hair off tomorrow to remind myself that I do not need hair ties, do not need others into this bubble, do not need a lack of understanding, or someone to provide answers.

I will seek it somehow by working things through or by sleeping on wasted whiskeys or by meeting my mother somehow,

Or by seeking another safe harbour. Or

To

Just

Stop feeling for you.

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