Checklist.

First you wanted me to remain bubbly and cheerful, and I fit that description as clear as day. Because this has always been part of the whole personality.

Then, you wanted me to share the grief I carry inside. It slipped through sometimes, and you wanted to be part of it. You didn’t know how many dimensions of blackhole to expect, but it became obvious that you weren’t ready to carry so much.

Next, you wanted me to get better. So I’ve learnt to push and shove everything into a corner, and learnt to manage keeping it there. Keeping it safe and sane, without compromising anything in the real world. I was happy for a while.

Soon after, you wanted me to rid of some coping mechanisms I’ve engaged in the process of shoving things into the corner. No alcohol, no smoking, you said. No new tattoos, you said. No sleepless nights, you said.

Not long later on, getting rid of one coping mechanism at a time no longer sufficed. I’ve been putting in so much effort and concern but you’re not improving, you said. You can do better, you said, but only if it was done at your pace. If it was done under your conditions, you said.

I had no room for relapses, no room for support (because you’ve given enough by staying by me for this period of time), no room to communicate (because I am the one with bad lifestyle choices, not you), no room to stand my grounds (because if you can quit this, I can too).

If I will always be put on a lower pedestal, does it justify self improvement? Yes.
If I have tried improving and communicated that I need time, does it justify anger and disappointment on your ends? Yes.
If I apologise for being a let-down and made attempts to reconcile, does it justify more anger and less trust on your ends? Yes.

But if you cannot tell me precisely what needs to be done further on my end, if you cannot trust and support instead of mere telling-offs and expectations now that you HAVE made your point, then it is probably a big fat NO.

No, you don’t have the right to be condescending.
No, you don’t have the right to think you’re more superior just because you have made better choices.
No, you don’t have the right to tell me what you believe in (if you think I can get better yet not accept that I am sorry for being in this mess, then you don’t believe in me at all to tell me what you believe in).

And no, you don’t get to decide what I can and cannot explain to you.

Not that you were truly receptive to begin with.
Not that you were truly honest to begin with.

Not that you have your shit together to begin with. You cannot compare expectations.
I am not a checklist which needs to be ticked off

Or picked on. Still punny, so guess I’m okay.

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2 thoughts on “Checklist.

    1. Hi Hector, thank you for that! Just came back on a solo trip and I’ve found truth in your statement even more so now. Thank you for taking the time to drop this wise comment (:

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